Today!

All I can hear is fingers struggling with keyboards.
and even in this silent, surreal vacuum...I don't feel alone and creepy.

Maybe, some people...just belong to themselves. Period.

...

I missed the warning sign.. yet again!

. And

I dream about drowning.
Not the choke to sputter darkness or the slow drift into light, But the kind of swim sparkle sun floating madness one gets from lulling in a hand-me-down seventies unheated water-bed.
I dream aboutliving in a place that always rains.
And the grey skies are all my sunshine days.
And now, under big comic blue skies and neverending grass fields and foreign tongues like spies- I long for landscape. And drizzle.
I long for the slow rocking madness of those moments in flight where I drifted and sucked water to breathe like oxygen.

I wanted to write something gently soft about the way life feels these days. But everything comes out always hard A's and concrete retaining walls. If ever I was lonely or alone things might be different. But this is a different kind of new. And everything that ever was like the way to spell the word color or the shape of my own face feels foreign. daunting. irresolvable. like public school maths. And the weight and consequence of my own tongue.


Dear Don Williams, stop singing Broken Hearts in your deep voice in my tiny head, cause then, first thing in the morning that I do...is start missing you! :(

Coffee Black and Cigarettes...

Bitterness is sweet.
Jumbles are addictive.
Circles are trippy.


.. roses are red, violets are blue?
Oh! yeah, yeah, we heard that. We done that. We have that, we don't.
You do?
I don't.
You pity?
I proud.
You sense?
I non sense.
You see?
I close my fuckin eyes!

Pictures are blind.
eyes are black and white.
water in the desert?
No, its a mirage!
That is fuckin scientific, that word - Mirage!..
You see beauty? I see pain.
You see that?
I see this!

Wherever you go...THERE you are.
Yes, There...It's always there!

Numb. Cold. Heavy. Hollow.
words are alphabets.

Oh, and I see the sunrise sometimes, but the sun doesn't rise, the earth revolves.
That was 2nd grade science? Or my ideas are fucked up?

Then, Then, Then,
and Now , Now, Now.
You see non sense?
I see meaning.
In what?
In nothingness.
Goodnight?
Tap. Tap. Dance!

My Maniac and I!

and if it comes to the rain, just be glad...
because so many ...
because so few...
because so ....
it happens!..

The ghosts who broke their heart before they met each other, lingered in their mind, their pictures perfectly framed in black ebony wood, maybe ..
they were sorry, their sorries stayed.

Oil Spill!

Everything always turns out this way. I've forgotten you. Again. Like you were dead or I'd been drinking a lot.

Sometimes, it doesn't.

If love were inexplicable like shotgun shells and the way your eyelashes feel against my spine late nights then I've been seeing someone else;

No!. Again. That's no way to begin.

Then,fuck! can't you fuckin see. YOU!

and maybe I've been drunk enough
let down enough
cried stupid and dry more than enough
maybe this is the end;

Used to believe we were a valid excuses for a relationship!

If you can see. what I mean.
I desperately wanted to have something to say; but my tongue feels like navy knots. and the only words i can think of are oil spill.

"...Yeh zindagi jo hai naachti toh;
Kyon bediyon mein hai tere paaon..."
That guy, Hitesh; Idiol - MU 32104, Nagpur just made me smile :)

Love's Bull Shit!

When you love someone, you open yourself up to suffering – that’s the sad truth. Maybe they’ll break your heart, or maybe you’ll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself in the same way. Those are the risks. You see two people and you think, "they belong together," but nothing happens. The thought of losing so much control over personal happiness is unbearable. That's the burden. Like wings, they have weight. We feel that weight on our backs but they are a burden that lifts us.


Uh, .. bull shit!

When you love someone, its just an incessant desire to be with the person, or have them feel the same for you. If they don't you chase them, if they do, you make them chase you. If you're being loved, in most certainty you are honest only till you get an opportunity to be otherwise, then you cheat. Maybe with one, maybe two, maybe more. Someone might know you're cheating them and accept cause they chose to "understand" or their desire to keep loving is more than the disgust of being just an opportunity, in some they don't know they're just one of them, cause they get love in every form, mental , emotional, physical, economical.
Yes its getting complicated now; because that's how love is made to be. We chose to lie, hate, curse, swear, or worst; numb ourselves.
And then we blame age, distance, convenience, or the lack of it - and they become excuses for not rising in love, we call it falling love. The incapability to see, the fear of a lonely night, forces us to succumb to that desire.

This was true? No. Fuckin bull shit!

In reality, its just an emotion. What is more important is to be compassionate. Wanting love just gets in the way of losing compassion.
Oh and complications?
In any given situation, if its love - there will always be amply good reasons or none enough to not grab any opportunity ; there will be amply more to slip, to fall; to fall out of love - reasons being, again convenience.
When its love, the former always has a heavy say.

Ahh, perhaps more fuckin retard bull shit!

Its actually, A burden that allows us to fly! :)

Nothing that is complete, breathes!

Perhaps it gets worst only when its getting better.



They say unfinished business at the time of death, brings back the dead. Aaah. Now that I am looking forward to!

Uhmm.

She knows that real people. reel. go on becoming and that life isn't
strictly about pixelations
curled
like hair styles
over lines
but the way life moves
the geography of meaning

oh now that's good
that
s something we all regret the point and shoot of our lives
to fill picture books with
that won't hold the still that we worked out 10 years later
onto sticky pages
to ruin the print
but not the memory of the fumes
that made it all
make sense inside your
revolving
infra
red
door
head


Sometimes special words apply themselves to being gone. The act of flying away some moment of palliation meant to lay hands and heal. To honor lost things. To forget everything you keep on remembering in the locality of your space. Your place. The jagged fragments of a life caught in the gaps between the teeth.

You hot me chocolate!

...and one thing which for sure, more than you wait for the sun, three times. Love me two or drench me down with that smile till my cheeks hurt. People like me love celebrating alone, no not with alcohol or drugs or that cakes and milk shakes poem; BUT BUT BUT! Its just simple you see, try whisteling on a mirror in winter, it makes haze...it goes away; and thats when it started.
Ya ya, I fancied a life like this a few years from now,thinking, dreaming, oping, preaching that in the end eventually everything settles and its going to be perfect.

Well, this is it. The few years have gone by since the last time I got this thought. Everyday is that day I wanted in the past, and this concept is going to take me away from being a cynic. But it god damn fuckin is.

Tata for now.
The happiest post in ages?
Dayuummm.