There was a time the only word I cringed at more than cursing was saying Love. this was way back in the 90s.
that sudden exposure to english movies and songs and westlife and boyzone also did not change the fact that I could just not say the word love.
I could easily say fuck or chutiya or I wouldnt say I love you, downside I started losing friends. Hell yes I did. Because being expressive it just the basic thumb rule of keeping friends close, sharing your tiffin and buying them an icecream is not. You gotta say it. Maybe I was the one screwed up, because for me words were never and are still not enough, I used on them what I wanted to be used on me.
I could not understand how could I love friends, mostly because I felt I love you is proceeded by kissing and all that jazz.
Obviously I was wrong, so yeah some way or the other I would find myself not saying it ever.
I switched to Love you.
much better than I love you. further away from kissing, closer to friend zoning.
but then things dont happen as you want them to.
Hormones started acting up and boys could not always just be friend zoned all the time, some overused love, some abused it, eventually it lost meaning and I became cool enough to use it frequently. for friends, family, tv shows, Shahrukh Khan, cake and mostly myself.
But I couldnt help but respond awkwardly whenever someone said it to me.
there has been a minute silence.
a sorry but I love him
a as friends , right?
a , are you fuckin insane?
a do you want free beer or something?
a, but I dont.
I have disappointed for thrills , I have never been disappointed.
Until that doomed night, when I said I love you and he said, " Thanks"
My heart thumped, I could hear the earth crack and I could hear the demon calling out my name and I could just see so many broken hearts around me.
Well, I could not do much but think and I did think, oh when I think its just another task all together, I give up everything and dedicate time for thinking, and realised, well he should be thankful, loving someone cannot be so ungrateful and thankless and unacknowledged all the time, right?
It has to involve some sense of being obliged, of all this love wrapped in a huge heart in so many ways all coming from one person.
Its not easy.
I should be glad.
Incidentally he is the same guy who has repeatedly told me that I love myself more than anything else and I have raised my own bars for anyone else to ever meet my unrealistic expectations.